I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
This is true.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme