It’s illegal to tie your children to things but you can basically do the same by buying them a phone with a short charger and a bad battery.

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None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.


Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.


On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.


I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.


SON: *first word* momma.


ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.


[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Me: Next!


A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you “Notice anything different about my hair?”


I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.


(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein