None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
It’s illegal to tie your children to things but you can basically do the same by buying them a phone with a short charger and a bad battery.
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Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you “Notice anything different about my hair?”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein