Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
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our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
No way!
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓