Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

TRAIN’S HERE

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

Camping tip: No.

guys i’ve cracked the code

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”