Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!