It’s important that you tell your children your story.
“No sweetheart, Daddy was never in a war. But here’s a picture of me screaming at a seagull in 1993.”
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chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Lmfaoooooo
