Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*