It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
the three branches of government
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
ouch
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!