It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
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When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.