Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Every work call, he judges.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.