It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
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Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Icarus loved hot wings.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.