It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
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We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.