It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
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Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.