it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
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WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Thoughts
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
New skill unlocked
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
