it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
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*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.