Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

Still laughing at this stupid meme

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business