Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”