It’s important to make her feel wanted…

….so I called the cops on her.

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[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]


If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer


Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.


My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me


me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice


I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I’d regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.


Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.


To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.


Mom: I brought you into this world and I can take you out

Me: Who taught you about laws, mom? Granny?

Granny: I’m allowed to kill everyone