@better_off_dad2

It’s important to make her feel wanted…

….so I called the cops on her.

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@SirEviscerate

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

@jenlaw_11

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

@Darlainky

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

@Birdhumms

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

@SortaBad

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

@CandyEmpires

I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I’d regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.

@SentenceReduced

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

@david8hughes

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

@thenatewolf

Mom: I brought you into this world and I can take you out

Me: Who taught you about laws, mom? Granny?

Granny: I’m allowed to kill everyone