Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
we’re dead?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Aaaa…CHOO!
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.