Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does