“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
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why am i having trouble navigating this map??
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*