Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.