Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
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wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Woah, we’re half way there
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I’ve never tried bull riding but I have held on the edge of a bed for dear life while sleeping with a toddler, so same
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Me: you married?
Me: your wife know about that?
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.