“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

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The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.


Date: Sing me something

Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫

*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”


– “Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?”

– “I’m going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too”


Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.


I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days


Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.


How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?


I should’ve been a child star so I could’ve gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.


Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night.

Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.