@Darlainky

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

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@ShaneKnowsStuff

The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: Sing me something

Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫

*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”

@ohpeetie

– “Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?”

– “I’m going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too”

@amydillon

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

@mela_shea

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

@UnFitz

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

@TheMichaelRock

How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?

@catlikethiefx0

I should’ve been a child star so I could’ve gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.

@sickipediabot

Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night.

Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.