“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.