It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
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Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
First date
Him: tell me about yourself
Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it