Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

That was easy.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.