It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
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My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.