Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

*seductively peels off lederhosen

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.