It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
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They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
🤭😂
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.