It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
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Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by