It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
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[Controversial and unpopular statement]
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
ok like just. call me at this point
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them