Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

How do you like your Corgi?

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

I know we’re not supposed to question God but why oh why did he put feeling in teeth

“OMGJK” -atheists

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

That’s the last time I volunteer in Karate class.

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

Very good news from my accountant

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag