Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.