It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
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Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.