It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
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This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”