It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Who.
Did.
This?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
#Caturday
