It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
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[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?