Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

huge if true: the moon

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.