It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
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Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Velcrow
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Anarchy
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
How it started: How it’s going:
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun