Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.