Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

May never get over this

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

scrabbled eggs

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex