Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

And then there were 4

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.