Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go