“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.