Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.