Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
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My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
This hospital has everything
🚲+physics = winner
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one