It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
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Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
🔥🔥
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.