It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
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Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!