It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
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Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
⛄️
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.