It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.