It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
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Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
…..pretty much.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
neighborhood watch
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream