It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Why is this me 😫
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.