Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.