It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
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*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on