It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
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Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
wait.
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*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
More like Kate Missington.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
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We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.