It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*