It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
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Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again