It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
You Might Also Like
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok