@TitaniumToplass

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

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@huntigula

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

@eedrk

It takes a big man to apologize, and it takes a small man to climb into a suitcase. all sizes of men have their power

@UnicornSyrup

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

@CornOnTheGoblin

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

@scumbelievable

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

@JeffisTallguy

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

@sophielou

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

@Bexdora

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

@vikkaroni

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

@cambuslad

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.