It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
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Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”