Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

Why am I like this?

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.