It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
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If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]