It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
tag yourself
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
