It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.