It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Pikachu found the lost joint
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.