Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️