Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

Are these grass-fed oranges?

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention