It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
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rip to my favourite tweet
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do