Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

#titanic

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

your daddy is a what now?

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

Genius.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.