It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
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How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.