It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
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no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.